For Love or Money?

A committed man and a white picket fence? Or a rewarding, successful career and the ability to walk into a room and have people pay attention? Which one would you choose?

As a woman, ideally, I want both. And it wasn't until recently (stupid #*!@%*! hormones) that I stopped only wanting the latter of the two. However, one is still more important to me than the other; for the time being at least. And that is my Career. And I'm still figuring out, through experience and mistakes, what it is exactly I want said career to be.... but I know I want it to be epic. And something that I love doing.

And I'm starting to think that the chances of a women having it all-- meaning both success and true love-- are quite possibly slim to none. Oh trust me, women can do anything in this day and age. I, personally, know so many amazingly successful, kickass women today (my Mom being one of them) who have done tremendously well for themselves and who continue to do so, without answering to anyone or selling themselves short. I know a female investment banker on Wall Street, who is 10x smarter, more competitive and better at her job than most males in her profession are (not to mention 10x less douchebag-ey). I know a wedding photographer who charges $15,000 per wedding because she can; and should, based on her insane talent and love for her profession. I know a future entertainment lawyer, who will most likely have to take time away from defending her pop star clients in order to defend me after I repeatedly punch some male or female bar patron in the face after overhearing them defending Vick the Prick. (I know what you're thinking..... how hasn't this occurred yet?) Hey, I'm with you.


But the list of badass women continues.

Nevertheless, despite their fancy, decorated apartments, Manolos, Louboutins, and Amex Golds, these women aren't exactly thriving in the love and romance departments. And it's most certainly not by choice. Just because they chose to attend an Ivy League school, pursue a competitive career and succeed in it, doesn't mean that they thought to themselves, "love, marriage and everything related is for pussies." I know for a fact that they've all done their best to set aside some time and effort for dating (ahhh, the dreaded D-word...); by joining Match.com, asking their friends to set them up, and so forth. But by doing these things also means having to meet/go out with a lot of power-hungry Tools, who claim that they want a "smart, ambitious lady with her shit together"..... yet when most men date said successful, smart ladies, their inner insecurities come out and they realize that they in fact do not want a woman who's as equally intelligent as they are; or *gasp* more successful and intelligent. Hmmmm.... why is this exactly?

I realize that society and past decades-- even our current decade, unfortunately-- might be to blame; not men themselves. And thankfully, the social norms are much different than they were in the 1950's (not so much where I grew up... but more on that later). In this present time, as we all know, it's perfectly acceptable for women to work outside the home. They can be doctors, lawyers, and even work in construction. Hell, they can even work on poles. In 7" heels. With a 3" platform.

(I could never do this because my upper body strength sucks).

Whatever a women wants, she can indeed do.

Although, regardless of what she does, there will always come the naysayers and expectations. Take myself, for example: During the first semester of my first year of high school, I realized that not only was high school utter bullshit, as were the kids who deemed it to be the most important aspect in their lives, but I also realized that my home state and its dated views were not for me either. Like, at all. I made the decision to take as many AP classes as I could, apply to out-of-state colleges and get the eff out of high school asap. To each is own, but I was peace-ing the hell out of there. From there, I traveled around Australia & New Zealand for 6 months, went to college and have lived/worked in a handful of awesome cities. In a nutshell.

But NOW....... now that I'm the ripe old age of 261/2 (aka: an old maid where I hale from), I get a lot of condescending grief from people in my home state. (For those of you who don't know me, I'm from **drum roll**....... Utah). Yep. I'm as shocked as you are, if not more. Based on the way I talk, the way I think, my political views, my religious views (or lack there of), etc.

And aside from my pot-smoking, rebellious, snowboarding male acquaintances (miss your faces, boys!), I have ZERO friends in Utah who aren't married, or who don't have kids. And I'm not saying that this is a bad thing. At all. I'm just trying to explain to you all what's considered "normal" in Utah. And I am not it. I'm 26, educated, dominant, single, with no immediate plans to get married; not to mention the fact that I'm not religious, I consume alcohol, show cleavage now and again, and I'm fine with birth control and premarital, ummm, activities.

Clearly, I have issues.

And even though I'm always wholeheartedly happy and thrilled for my friends when they get married or have babies (my goddaughter is the LOVE of my life and I hope her mother pops out seven more just like her!), I still somehow receive a lot of patronizing remarks. I realize they probably don't intentionally mean to offend me (social-retardation, maybe?), but it still boggles my mind-- because when they have kids, I genuinely ooo and aah over them. I love babies! More than I care to admit. And I'm honestly excited to have one. (ONE, dammit. Just one!) But I'm in no hurry to pop one out. I get a lot of "having babies later in life is doing yourself and your children a disservice" or "why would I have kids later when I can have them now and enjoy my social life later down the road."

............................ Someone explain this reasoning to me please.

I'd much rather enjoy my social life and freedom while I'm attractive, young, still learning, and my liver is resilient. My parents had me in their late 30's gasp! (which is usually considered older than dirt, infertile and grandparent-status in Utah) and while I got a ton of shit for it from the Mormon kids in school, I can proudly say that my parents didn't bring me home in a shoebox and I went to Cabo when I was 3 weeks old (great parenting, Mom and Dad.....). When I was born, my folks were financially established, all partied out, and more than prepared for the adorable, puking, pain in the ass adventure that they were about to embark upon.

And that's how I envision that the parenting part of my life be.

And I'm most certainly not saying that this way is better; or vice versa. I'm so proud of all of my friends; married/not married, kids/no kids, single mothers (these women are the most amazing, and I'm not worthy). The beauty of being a human in this country is that you're entitled to your own beliefs! I just wish Utah would realize that the rest of the world has more progressive views, and that at the age of 21, you have your WHOLE life ahead of you. I always manage to refrain from swearing and consuming alcohol when I'm around my Mormon friends (I'm a sweetheart, what can I say?), so one would think that perhaps-- just perhaps-- they'd think before they say/judge. I am definitely NOT one of those ignorant gals who asks a stay-at-home mom, "geez... what on earth do you do all day?"

C'mon. I was a nanny, I know what it entails... Hats off to you ladies. Seriously.

Ending this on a high note, I must say that I admire all of the women in my life; no matter their marital status, profession, or drug of choice. No offense to men, but women are so much cooler than you. (Although, you men can pee standing.... dammit). But we're prettier, we smell better, we can grow a living, breathing thing in our body and then go back to normal everyday life hours after it came shooting out like razorblades.

I admire my Mom especially. She's only 5'3" and the nicest, most submissive person you'll ever meet, but she was also one of the highest paid federal agents in Utah and its surrounding states. And she'll cut a bitch if need be. I mean it when I say that George W. Bush knows who she is (she, on the other hand, refuses to acknowledge his existence. Poor guy.) Even though, she worked 10-12 hour days, I never ever felt neglected as a child. A home-cooked meal was always on the table, the house was always tidy and she somehow managed to always attend any extra-curricular activity of mine. She and I butt heads all the time and she puts up with a lot of my shit on a daily basis, but she'd do anything for me; and I am most certainly not worthy of her love. She's kickass and could easily run this country. As could a lot of women. (Palin & Bachmann, you, on the other hand, canNOT run this country, so please for the love of god, STOP trying to.) Thanks.

It's women like my Mother, along with my amazingly dynamic best friends (you all know who you are), aunts, neighbors, etc. who make me realize that it's not about having it all, it's about doing it all. And women most certainly are doing it all.


[Ladies, we must tackle the peeing while standing thing though....]





--Emily 

Is This My Life Or Proctology School?

Lately, I've come to the harsh realization that most women have probably encountered more assholes in one day than the average proctologist sees in a week. Before you gasp, laugh out loud, or sign off in disgust, please read on....  


I hate to say it, but I'm convinced that most men are assholes. That, or chemically imbalanced.


Recently, I have come in contact with a few members of the opposite sex, whose random-ass, bipolar behavior has left me flat out confused and wondering, "Where the eff did this hot mess of an emotional testosterone tornado come from?"

How on earth is he acting like an utter, I'm-too-good for you asshole, when mere seconds ago he was flirty, complimenting me on how I'm such a "piece of eye candy" and coyly texting me about that "one fun time we had on a beach in Mexico?"


Now, he's acting like I'm the last person he wants to be with, as if his man period just came to town, and as though someone just informed him that women actually do not have pillow fights with each other in their underwear. 


Why? How? When? WTF?


Then I start questioning myself: Did I accidentally say something semi-bitchy to or belittle him? Did I kick his puppy? Did I force him into going to the mall with me? Did I tell him that his penis looked small in those pants?.......... NOPE. Fairly certain that I did nothing of the sort. He's just an asshole for no reason.


My recent ex for example: (I realized I said I wouldn't/shouldn't talk about him anymore, but he/it was too much of a disaster not to talk about it now and then-- plus, I've finally discovered that I have a sense of humor about it. Go me!) HE was notorious for kissing me and planning our wedding/future one minute, and then a few hot minutes later he'd fly off that wound-up investment banker handle of his and suddenly have a panic attack about "us," his career and then threatening me with a breakup........... 
Whatever you say, dude. Even though YOU'RE the one who gave ME a bit of a panic attack by bringing up our supposed matrimony, you then try and end it with me after I simply asked over after-work cocktails whose apartment we were staying at that particular night? 


Surrrrre. Makes perrrrrrrfect sense, you Bipolar ToolBag. 

Then there are two other ex-boyfriends/flings of mine.... After 2+ years of not communicating with one another after our breakups (something that I highly recommend doing), they both reached out to me on separate occasions and were adamant on reconnecting and having a friendly, civil relationship again. At this point, everything was water under the bridge to me, so I was more than content with being friends. And every time they reached out to me via email, text, whatever, I had the decency to respond to them-- even if I was seeing someone else at the time. Nothing romantic, sexual, emotionally-involved or sneaky of the sort-- just a simple "hello. good to hear from you. how's the fam?" etc. And keep in mind, almost all of my boyfriends/significant others kept in touch with their exes while they were with me; and, frankly, it didn't concern me in the slightest. Men may be assholes, but being a clingy, jealous girlfriend will get you nowhere. No man wants his rabbit cooked. 


But now if/when I reach out to these said exes with a simple "hey, how are ya? wanna get that cup of coffee that YOU suggested? etc., they either lack the decency to respond, or they feed me the "I don't want to hurt my current significant other, I'm in a difficult position, etc. I know you'll find someone" bullshit. (where the eff did that last one come from, you condescending asshole?.....)


Give me a f*cking break. [shameless, semi-douchey self plug coming up, but get over it] You're just concerned with the fact that your ex isn't chubby, hairy, or flat-chested. Nor is she catty with other women, insecure, a home-wrecker, or, most importantly, still in love with you. Get over yourself and strap on a pair of confidences. Please and thank you.


Don't get me wrong, I do indeed have a shit ton of respect for men who want to be emotionally faithful to their current main squeezes; because, like I said, it's perfectly fine and usually necessary to not be friends with an ex. They're your ex for a reason. Keep it at that, if need be. But play fair and don't be a prick for no reason. Show some respect, dude. The relationship may have ended with daggers being thrown, but keep in mind that you once respected this person; and vice versa. Loving, romantic feels will go away, as they most certainly should, but where does the respect go? And why is it so goddamn difficult for some men to show some? 

Also, you readers must know that I love men. I do. I do. I do. Despite my complaints. And my closest girlfriends know that I've had wayyyy too much fun (not to mention anguish, but eh, oh well) with the opposite sex during my almost 10 years of dating (ouch). I love a lot of things about men. The way they look in a suit. How hot they look when they're doing something manly. How even hotter they look when they're holding a baby or an animal. Their perfect, little nook when you sleep next to them. How they think meat, potatoes and pasta are the only levels of the food pyramid. Their ridiculous sense of competitiveness. How good they look seconds after waking up in the morning; even if they have fur on their tongue after a night out drinking (bastards!). How some of their smiles really can make a girl hit puberty again. How most of them really could give two shits when women gain a few pounds. Their innate need to protect women. Their shoulders. Their arms. Their cologne. Their hair-- be it styled or messy. Their.....    

Wait, what were we talking about again?.................................................
................................................................


*takes a cold shower and tries to recall the point she was trying to make* 


Ah.... right. Why are men-- despite how insanely hot and infuriatingly lovable they are *sigh*-- such assholes? And why does it come so naturally to them? Is it all of that testosterone? (god bless it!) And is it evident that being an asshole knows no race, religion (well.. I beg to differ on that one actually) or creed? Perhaps.... And I'm a firm believer in that what one puts out into the universe, he/she gets back in return. 


However, I'm still somewhat convinced that if something is born with a penis, then it's going to act like one and use it to observe its power over women. 








--Emily